Titanium, non-healing bones, and all.

I’m heartbroken, and paralyzed. I just got the call I wasn’t ready for yet — my doctor wants to schedule surgery #4 to place a new titanium rod in my left femur. The nurse who called with the news didn’t seem to know the correct leg, nor did she seem very familiar with my case. As she was talking, my mind went blank because of this news. I had zero follow-up questions; that never happens to me.

I’m finding this decision hard to believe coming from a too-chipper nurse, instead of the doctors I trust. She couldn’t even discuss the plan my PA Bruce and I made to try to heal for a few months. Apparently it was no longer a good idea, even to try. I feel like one of those women in movies who are in labor and screaming, “I want to push, I’m strong enough, I want to push!”, as the doctors are already moving her onto a cold operating table and sterilizing her for incisions. My willingness to prove how tough I am is pointless, but I’m still fighting and want to try to be tough. I’ll do whatever it takes to heal. I want the prescription for morning and night supplements to take daily, and then to be analyzed by an endocrinologist after doing lab tests. I want to take 20 minutes twice a day to sit still with a bone stimulator machine strapped to my thigh. I’ll use my ugly wooden crutches until my hands blister. I’ll pedal on a stationary bike at my apartments gym for 15–45 minutes every day. I can trick my brain into thinking this will help, but in the back of my mind I doubt my efforts will yield any healing for my bones that have always resisted healing. No matter what I do for my body it never feels like it is good enough. My body seems to have a path set out for me already — weakness, pain, and surgery.

Now I’m stuck, hopeless, and wondering if/when my life will be rudely interrupted again by a scheduled surgery. I fear it will be another lonely month of living with my parents and recovering in Oklahoma City, away from my home in Austin with B. Last surgery (10/31/14), I used the time between physical therapy and post-op check-ups to practice calligraphy, design prints and daydream about a greeting card line. Of course, I’ll need a project to keep me busy this time.

A few weeks ago, I wrote ‘100,’ which was my initial recommitment post to my blog. Ever since, life and my unresting, overthinking mind have been getting in my way from posting consistently. Shortly after the 100 post, I found myself questioning the blogs purpose and overanalyzing how my mix of topics were going to flow coherently into one blog. Most recently I’ve been stuck on the idea of daily blogging.

In my personal quest this year to dig deeper into what I want to create and why, I’ve been most inspired by the work of Casey Neistat and Seth Godin. Each of them do their work daily, not even resting on Saturdays or Sundays. Each are committed to create and produce daily, and share it with the internet. While their quantity of work is impressive, their quality of work moves me. Each time I read a blog post from Godin or watch a vlog from Casey, I am nudged a little further toward the idea of daily creating. B and I discuss this idea often, but we had several conversations about my daily blog idea during our road-trip weekend to and from OKC. Even more, on our drive home, we listened to Neistat and Godin individually interviewed for the Tim Ferris Podcast. I took several hundred words worth of notes on my iPhone as B drove, and I’ve been writing little things ever since we got home.

This afternoon, before the nurses call, I realized that my 25th birthday is approximately 3 months away, so I printed a calendar and I counted the days. I’ll be 25 in 94 days.

I’m just shy on days for a 100 day project. It would have needed to start on Tuesday, May 18th. But, right now, I’m going to tell my inner perfectionist to politely f*ck off and I’m going to start this daily blog now. I’ll go back and write up those missing six days. Today, more than ever, it truly feels like I have near nothing to lose, and I have motivation to heal myself and progress in one way or another. I’m going forward with this project of mine, titanium, non-healing bones and all.

(Day 93)