“Whatever you can do or think you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it, begin it now.” -Goethe

Today, I am recommitting to my personal blog.

First, some real talk. The past few months have been tough on me. After I decided to stop doing calligraphy, I felt relief. I was free to use my time however I wanted – reading books on my list, spending more meaningful time with the people I care about rather than stressing about projects, doing pilates, binge-watching some tv shows – anything! After a few weeks of this new freedom, my mind started slowly bouncing around new creative ideas and projects. Before long, my mind grew restless. I’d entertain an idea for a few days, work through some of the details, talk about it with my go-to supporter (my boyfriend, B), think about how this idea could grow, get hyped about the possibilities, and then I would come to complete stop.

Why? Short answer: You guessed it– fear. Long answer: I’m afraid of wasting time only to fail. I’m afraid my ideas are unoriginal or uninteresting. I’m afraid of what people will think of the new project, or worse what they’ll think of me. Part of me may even be afraid of the work required to execute these ideas, fearful the end result will fall short of how I’ve envisioned them. There is a long list of fears, but the bottom line – I fear I’m not good enough to do something new, or not good enough to do something else after my half-assed attempts at blogging and one year of running a small business. I’m hesitant to try anything new, even though every week I grow increasingly annoyed with myself when I don’t start something to fill this need for a creative outlet. I’ve been in a constant battle with myself. Half of me says “just go for it already! If you don’t like it, you can change later.” and the other half says “are you really sure this is the new thing you want to commit your time to? You may need to take some more time to consider your options.” (I would compare this best to the feeling when you have a new crush, but you’re still undecided about him, so you don’t tell anyone about him yet. Otherwise, you may get talked out of it or your friends will encourage you to go after it. When it really needs to be your decision.) For my next creative thing, I want to be 100% sure I’m going for it before I start shouting from the metaphorical internet mountaintops about it.

Like I said, I’ve had many ideas pop into my head. So, it’s been a rough process to acknowledge those head-in-the cloud ideas, entertain them, and then put them on pause. The grounded part of my mind craves to find the best possible option before it will allow me to start acting. It’s taken time to consider these various ideas and, after reflecting on them, I’ve realized each idea had one common goal - to share my life.

I latched onto the act of sharing on the internet in middle school when I had my Xanga. After school, I’d spend a few hours at my mom’s office and writing for it. It was the first thing I did when I arrived. My sharing continued from Xanga to a high-school mySpace, a scared college freshman themed Tumblr, and later onto Wordpress, where I stayed for years. Last spring, my sharing platform was transferred to Squarespace. (No, this is not sponsored. Yes, I do love Squarespace.) My relationship with blogging over the past decade has been very on-again/off-again (insert some Friends “We were on a break.” / “I’m your lobster.” jokes here), but blogging keeps pulling me back in because I love taking note of my life and sharing it with others. So, today is the day I’m choosing to recommit to blogging despite some of my fears.

No, it will not be my “hustle”. I don’t like putting too much force on my creativity. Plus, if I’m too focused on hustling, I worry I’ll forget that it is essential to live life off of the internet too. I intend to work hard on this blog, but “hustling” is officially not in my vocabulary.

No, I don’t know what all of the details and rules about my blog are yet. I do know that this blog will simply be the space (pun-intended) where I share what I write, think, and enjoy. In the past, I’ve tried too hard to fit my blogging into a niche (ex: DIY blogger, calligrapher and blogger, etc.). I believe striving for these titles harmed the quality of content I’ve shared because I wasn’t always being authentic. Going forward I won’t limit myself to only a few topics, because life is not one topic. Surely there are going to be reoccurring themes and categories but, with my own permission and not any of yours, I’m giving myself an unrestricted creative licenses to do whatever the heck I’d like.

It’s taken me awhile to admit to myself that blogging is what drives me, interests me, and brings me joy. Blogging is what I must do. Now that I have admitted it, I intend to give it a bold 100%.